[EN] Horse blinders in limbo

Nie potrafie napisać tego po polsku bez miliona cudzysłowów. I will try to write it in english. I know too many polish words which are too much metaphorical to say exactly what I want to say. They are not precise and when they are precise they are also too shallow.

Even if it is nothing unusual, it looks like I am truly status seeker. And now, in my head I am looking for excuses of that  - the structure I live in, my feelings etc. etc. but I am not able to believe in it. Every time I think or write about it I have that thought which I memorized by heart when I was young that I can lie to everyone but not to myself. 

However I have too little power to change it so I live in this mediocre limbo. Too scared of imagined future where I would be rejected for not having enough status and where my reaction to this is regret instead of "fuck you".

There is really one solution: ... to be continued